God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is wine microwaveable?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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