after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize