My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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