I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
