I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
