i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?