just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
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If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.