so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
