Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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