If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
