I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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