I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
