well you can't waste a boner
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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