Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
