I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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