Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
