I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
