In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
