if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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