Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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