God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
