i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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