I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
