I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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