I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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