New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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