Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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