What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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