I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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