Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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