I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
