I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
