The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
