Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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