Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my shit smells like andre
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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