Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
