only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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