All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
