I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
