Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
