Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I will be naked everywhere
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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