I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
