You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
