The maid of honor just puked.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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