I hate your face
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
