Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
its liver damage thursday
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
