I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
