What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
