It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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