I wish I could teleport
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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