peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
