i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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