i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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