I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
