The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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