sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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