Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
