i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
